When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
