FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
