If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
