I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
