he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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