Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
