So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
