from now on my penis is your penis
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
