i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
