he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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