If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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