My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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