He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
