he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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