I cannot find my penis.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
