i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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