his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
