Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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