took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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