Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
