if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
