If that was your dad, he is hot
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
