FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
