my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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