My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
