so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
