actually, I'm a sock model
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
