I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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