It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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