I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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