i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
