I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
