So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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