Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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