im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
