Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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