I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Semen is not good for contacts.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
