I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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