I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
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drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
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Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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