I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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