got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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