Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
