I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
