If that was your dad, he is hot
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
