Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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