I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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