headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
