Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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