Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
