theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i love accidental penises.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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