So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
