My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
