I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
