I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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