First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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