Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
