Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
