I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
