She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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