I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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